Tomorrow is the big day. I start treatment tomorrow for LD and will go in at 11 am for a 2 hour IV infusion. It could take longer depending on how my veins hold up and how quickly the good stuff gets going through them. I will be having these infusions twice a week for some time. Everything is still a little up in the air and there are no definitive dates as to when treatment will cease or when I will start feeling better.
My doctor says not to expect anything for a while. That was a little discouraging but I have had peace despite that. I would say it is definitely a “peace that passes all understanding.”
Last night after church, a sweet friend prayed the most sincere, powerful prayer over me. Since the prayer, my mind has been clearer, my thoughts more focused and my spirit renewed. And today, well today was just happy. I am so happy I could burst. I don’t know why and I absolutely cannot explain it but it is how I feel and I think I know why it is there. I have been and continue to be trusting the One who created me – throughout this whole crappy ordeal. That is not to say that I haven’t been frustrated or upset, sad or worried. I am SO human. I am not perfect. But I have trusted Him deeply beyond logic. I have had faith that He knows what is going on even if I don’t so I don’t really need to know all the details. That alone has gotten me through so much. I have just trusted the One who knows more than I do. The One who formed me in my mother’s womb. The One who knew before I was even born that I would have sickness and chronic pain and fatigue. The One who knew before I did that I would experience tragedy and death – multiple times with people so close to me – before I was even 25. But, He is also the One who has carried me through those dark times, who has been with me helping me bear the pain more easily. He is the One who saw the tears and the depression that no one else saw. And now, He is giving me a joy that I can’t describe and a peace about the future that is so strong and goes so deep that there is nothing left to do but soak in it, wallow around in it and eat it up.
When the waves of peace and happiness come over me – giant and strong – I immediately get this picture in my mind of my oldest daughter when she was barely eating solid foods. We gave her a Oreo cookie for the first time for a “photo-op” (as new mom’s tend to do…a lot!) We did get the photo-op, complete with the curious expression as we held it out to her and then set it down on her high chair. At first, she didn’t really know what to do with it so she studied it very carefully for a moment but the minute it touched her lips, she understood why we gave it to her. She didn’t eat the cookie. She devoured the cookie. She gobbled it up. She spread her hands out wide and gripped it for everything it was worth. She played with it and smushed it between her fingers. She rubbed it on her chest and sweet little baby arms and drooled it down her chin and neck. We laughed and she laughed and there was a lot of joy. It was written all over her precious black and white smeared face. She was undeniably happy. There was a peaceful look of contentment after she had finished the cookie. . . every crumb. She enjoyed it. Oh, man did she enjoy it. She even did a happy dance in her high chair. That is some serious happiness.
So, anyway. I feel like that is where I am today. I am just going to enjoy this peace and happiness that God is giving me during this time that is still full of unanswered questions, some doubts and uncertainties and I am going to try at all costs to enjoy it where I am – to be content in this new happiness He has given and to soak up the peace. Today as some of these thoughts were bumping around in my brain and my spirit was feeling so peaceful, I just stopped what I was doing and thanked Him for it. Less than a minute later (not an exaggeration), I discovered an old devotional that I didn’t even know I still had. This was the excerpt from TODAY. Yeah, He is THAT kind of God. And I love Him, so much. He IS my peace.
A Heart at Peace
The heart of Jesus was pure. The Savior was adored by thousands, yet content to live a simple life. He was cared for by women (Luke 8:1-3), yet never accused of lustful thoughts; scorned by his own creation, but willing to forgive them before they even requested his mercy. Peter, who traveled with Jesus for three and a half years, described him as a “lamb, unblemished and spotless” (1 Peter 1:19). After spending the same amount of time with Jesus, John concluded, “And in him is no sin” (1 John3:5).
Jesus’ heart was peaceful. The disciples fretted over the need to feed the thousands, but not Jesus. He thanked God for the problem. The disciples shouted for fear in the storm, but not Jesus. He slept through it. Peter drew his sword to fight the soldiers, but not Jesus. He lifted his hand to heal. His heart was at peace.
(Grace For The Moment – Max Lucado)