Loss

It feels like loss
the empty hollow place
Where life once was
An overwhelming absence
Life is passing without me
I get glimpses of freedom from this prison
A reprieve
I catch moments of health
How it should be
But it is all too quickly ripped away
And I creep back into this
black
sick
disease
That permeates my brain with thick fog
hovers over and inside my body like suffocating smoke
binding my trembling bones together with weights
that get heavier as time goes on
It washes my swollen face with a grey paleness
and chokes my hopes and dreams in its clinched fists
Under a blanket of fatigue
I am buried beneath
I can’t move
I can’t breathe
So
I stand still in the shadow of disease
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
It feels like loss
Because it is
Loss of myself
of time
of belonging
Loss of who I once was
And who I still want to be
I wearily make it to my room as I
Watch the world go by in
Beautiful hues
Of green and blue
While I’m stuck in black and white
I pull the covers over my head
My body burns like fire
The pain relentlessly pursues
I close my eyes and breathe deep
I long for health and to live again
But my body goes back to sleep

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Hey Jealousy…

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Jealousy can be a strange thing. It creeps up on me in the middle of the day, while I’m doing laundry or making coffee. I’m minding my own business and boom. Freaking Facebook! Why haven’t I learned my lesson? I know social media has many positives, but it also can be so damaging when we play the comparison game.

I have written a few posts over on my personal blog about my struggle with wanting another baby and how I let that dream go because of this disease. I tried for years after my second little girl to have another baby, to no avail. I got really sick around that same time. After being sick for a few years, I finally found out that I had three Tick-Borne Diseases and I have struggled with it ever since. My body is broken. It hasn’t been working in so many different ways and Lyme was the cause for my sudden infertility. I had to say goodbye to wanting another baby – not only to focus on my health, but because I was tired of living with the weight of unfulfilled expectation. I chose to be thankful for my girls and learn to be content without the big family I had always pictured.

Is it just me or does it seem like everyone and their sister is having babies lately? It’s awesome and I love it. I get my baby fixes from my sweet friends who let me drop in and hold their precious ones and get a whiff of newborn baby smell. :) I love seeing friends become a new mama for the first time or after years of trying for another child. It’s beautiful and I’m sincerely happy for them.

Then it happened. Several Lyme friends and acquaintances posted their joyful news of being pregnant. People I have struggled alongside. I am thrilled for their health, remission from Lyme and their babies to be. I truly am. I’m also human. (Here comes the jealousy part.) One of my friends is pregnant with her third. She prayed and wished and dreamed of having one more chance to be pregnant. Even in the throes of disease, she voiced her desire for another baby and she is pregnant.

When I saw one of the posts, I put my phone down and cried frustrated tears. I hate to admit it, but it’s the truth and for some reason, being vulnerable is the only way I know to write. I can say “I let go” as much as I want, but when it comes down to it – I’m a momma who wasn’t ready to say goodbye to having babies. Seeing this mama get her wish made me so happy, but so sad at the same time. I had prayed the same prayer. I wanted another one. I begged God to take this disease away and give me a baby. I finally surrendered my will, but my human nature wants to question and wonder if God truly has my best. It’s silly when you think about it. Sinful, human, jealous me – questioning my amazing, omnipotent, all-knowing God. I wrestled with him for a few days. I had fits of tears and fits of anger – just me and God… duking it out. It was a soul-searching, exhausting battle. And when all was said and done, I came to the end of myself.

Last week, I was looking up a specific verse and accidentally stumbled onto this one. I’m sure I’ve read it at some point in my life, but it had a new meaning for me.

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The words glared out at me like new, shiny objects I had never seen before. I studied the verse, memorized it and let it sink in. I stared at it forever and read it out loud after writing it down. It’s sitting on my desk, so I can see it every day and be reminded (in my own handwriting) that in the midst of my human suffering, worries, doubts, fears and yes – even jealousy – He is there for me. Even though it can feel like it with this disease, I am not alone and this is not the end. When this season of suffering is over (whether that be on this earth or in the one to come) He has promised me that He will:

Restore. (Heal, renew, redeem)

Confirm. (Validate, support, justify)

Strengthen. (Build up, sustain, empower)

Establish. (Create, provide, stabilize)

Those words are for me. That’s all I need to know. I don’t need to hold onto jealousy or doubt. I have a promise from my Father… I’m clinging to his purpose for me and no matter what that means or doesn’t mean…I will trust Him.

 

 

 

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