Loss

It feels like loss
the empty hollow place
Where life once was
An overwhelming absence
Life is passing without me
I get glimpses of freedom from this prison
A reprieve
I catch moments of health
How it should be
But it is all too quickly ripped away
And I creep back into this
black
sick
disease
That permeates my brain with thick fog
hovers over and inside my body like suffocating smoke
binding my trembling bones together with weights
that get heavier as time goes on
It washes my swollen face with a grey paleness
and chokes my hopes and dreams in its clinched fists
Under a blanket of fatigue
I am buried beneath
I can’t move
I can’t breathe
So
I stand still in the shadow of disease
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
It feels like loss
Because it is
Loss of myself
of time
of belonging
Loss of who I once was
And who I still want to be
I wearily make it to my room as I
Watch the world go by in
Beautiful hues
Of green and blue
While I’m stuck in black and white
I pull the covers over my head
My body burns like fire
The pain relentlessly pursues
I close my eyes and breathe deep
I long for health and to live again
But my body goes back to sleep

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